One of my first gender memories occurred when I was about 7 years old. My parents had college friends that lived in Heber City and ran a small hotel. As I remember, Red and Petra were their names. I was intrigued by them. As a red-head myself, I couldn't imagine someone naming their red-headed kid Red; Petra was from Germany and sported a strong accent and hair-do that looked something akin to a bird's nest perched on top of her head. Sometimes I just stared at it, trying to imagine what might be living in there.
Red and Petra had a
son a year older than me. I can't
remember his name, but I do remember that we had the same birthday and that
when we discovered this, he announced loudly and proudly that if we got married, I would have to
make two birthday cakes....every year. I
was young, but I remember feeling indignant about the comment--obviously promlatic since I still remember it. Perhaps I was upset by the idea that I would need to make my own cake on my own birthday, but the way I remember it I was upset
by the idea that baking would be my job. A woman's job,
I felt similar
feelings several times as I grew up. In fact, when I got married and was
counseled, among other things, to submit to my husband, I remember confidently thinking that did not apply to me and quickly rejecting the idea. I'm sure Mitch
has wished on more than one occasion that submit were a skill I possessed.
I finally came
across a framework for these feelings when I innocently enrolled in a
"feminism" course while I was in graduate school. I spent a semester studying feminism and
feminist texts from an intellectual and historical perspective. Mitch took the class vicariously (whether he wanted to or not). I shared with him most of what I learned and
felt over the course of the semester. He
was a good sport, always willing to listen and offer support. At the end of the semester, he pronounced
that he felt so "liberated" as a result of this course. I was immediately defensive. In fact, I lectured him in a loud voice that
this course was about centuries of oppression towards women and that I couldn't
believe he was somehow making it about him. So like a man, I remember thinking.
After I calmed
down and realized I needed to mend hurt feelings, I asked him what he meant by that comment. He told me in all seriousness that he had never felt like he had a choice as to his
future. As a man, he felt like he was
required to get a requisite education so that he could secure a
job to provide for his family. End of story. He boldly
stated that he now felt like he had an option: he could stay home and raise the
kids if he chose to.
I knew at that
moment that what I had been offended by so many years before was the idea of
equality and choice. I had thought it
wasn't fair that I had to make both cakes. And as I have matured in my thinking, I have also realized that while many inequities over the centuries have been directed towards
women, those inequities also pigeonhole men. It certainly isn't fair to men that we provide gender constructs so rigid that many men feel like they have no choice
about their futures.
All we really want
in regards to gender issues, I believe, is choice and then subsequent respect
for those choices. Choice over who we
are, what we become, what will be required of us, and respect for our
decisions as we do our best to live them out (consequences and all). We owe that to each
other. Most importantly, we owe that to
ourselves.
Written 25 October 1016
