Happy and Sad!

I am learning that simultaneous emotions can co-exist and when they do they are more intensely felt, especially emotions that are supposedly diametrically opposed like joy and pain, happiness and sadness.

As parents, one of our primary goals has been to raise kids that are independent, kids that we feel confident are capable of fulfilled, self-identified living.  But when we get glimpses of—or rather slammed in the face by—success, feelings of success and joy are radically intensified by feelings of sadness, maybe even despair.

I trained my daughter to be the perfect travel companion.  My ideology of travel is likely innate for her (she began my form of travel as a 4 month old fetus as we made our way through Europe): move hard and fast, eat little, pack in a full day every day, sleep only when necessary, miss nothing. With this as our mantra, we need little more than an excuse to set out on an adventure. The boys (my husband and son) generally prefer home, so we often leave them to engage in some some sort of male bonding while Meg and I tackle the world. I must admit I feel a pretty significant sense of pride in her ability to navigate a map, a city, a subway system, a freeway, a museum, a crowd.  

A few years ago, though, she announced that she was heading up a trip to New York and Washington D.C.—with her friends (I wasn't needed). As she updated me daily--with photos and itineraries, I was so proud of her adventurous nature, her confidence, her experience, her independence, and her thoroughness.  But I must also admit, I felt a little betrayed, a little left out, a little upset that she didn't need me.  I was both happy and sad, proud and jealous. 

I feel the same way today.  We took our baby 18-year old boy to the airport for a potentially life changing experience.  He earned a prestigious academic scholarship at a private liberal arts college and a spot on the baseball team—2000 miles from home.  I am so excited and happy for him and his upcoming hard-earned journey.  I cannot wait to hear about his experiences and to track his growth. But I am also so sad—sad to be left with an empty bedroom and a quiet home, sad to be missing out on all the exciting opportunities he will be having, and sad that our happy little family is growing up and achieving independence—something I know I want.  

 

My heart, filled to capacity with both joy and pain, is about to explode....and I wonder if independence is overrated, even though I know it isn't.  On a day like today, I believe--no, I know--a singular emotion would be insufficient.  Joy and despair sometimes belong together, and often when they are joined they push us to growth.

Written January 11, 2015