Me, My Mom, Me

When I was a teenage girl, I made a list of all the things I hated about my mom.  All the things I would never do or say to my own daughter.  All the traits she possessed that I would never adopt.  Whenever I got upset with her or she got upset with me, I would add to the list.

I cannot remember much about the list now.  I know I was never going to yell at my kids or force them to do chores.  I certainly was never going to set expectations so high that my kids felt pushed or challenged or inadequate.

Ironically, as I raised my own children, I suspected that they too were making a list.  I also suspected that many of the things on my teenage list were on my own teenagers' lists.  I did occasionally yell.  I certainly expected them to do chores, and I know they thought expectations were high.  On more than one occasion, I heard the desperate complaint: "mom, I'm not perfect like you."

I'm not perfect and neither is my mom. Imperfection is a trait we share and, despite my list, we share many others.  When I look in the mirror today, I see her big blue eyes, her sun-spotted skin, her generous smile-induced wrinkles, and the beginnings of what will inevitably be sagging jowls.  But I also see strength, talent, creativity, competence, unselfishness, and a deep capacity to love.

Not only do I see her, though, sometimes when I speak, I hear her voice.  Sometimes, when I say something that I am sure she said in a way I'm sure she would have said it, I actually come to a physical stop.  In those moments, which seem to happen more and more often, I'm not sure if I should smile and move on or if I should rewind and say something different, something that I would say, something that sounds like me.

And then I realize, she is me and I am becoming her.

Thinking about this causes me to smile.  I am a physical tribute to my mother.  I am an intellectual tribute to my mother.  My parenting style is a also a tribute to my mother. Though I never consciously said I wanted to grow up and be just like her, I believe I succeeded.  And I am glad.

Written February 21, 2016